When children are socialized in India it is drilled into their head that your parents will always be your priority and even now when sons want to have a separate residence after marriage there is severe criticism not only from parents but also relatives and the neighbors who keep saying: there goes the son tied to the wifes pallu. I'm very suspicious to live with him cause it might be a danger to my life he might kill me that's why I have taken a decision for a divorce. He has to choose to change on his own and act accordingly. How to deal with disrespectful or toxic in-laws. There were some problems with my husband, and at work, and he could not leave the UK and did not see his family for eight years. Even when I have an illness, he doesn't take care of me. You have to take a step back so he can figure out that he needs to change. I was married at the age of 23 and my husband was 27. The cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. By clicking Accept, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies. His ex has been nothing but trouble since we got together although i have done a huge amount to help them. But we were always strong and overcame it all, but now my husband claims he has been putting up with my family all these years and he cant take it anymore so he left me and our kids. I was forced to marry my cousin, whos been absent since! 1. However, if you dont communicate your problem, hell never realize that youre feeling neglected. You can work on a budget accordingly and make a list of the activities you would want to do. Lets get this straight. You have dont nothing wrong. If your husband spends time with his parents straight after coming home from work, keeps chatting with them for hours and then heads off to sleep without spending time with you, then it's a concern. But if you try to turn his family against him, things will only get worse. Instead, hes allowing you to be mistreated, disrespected, and made to feel like crap. I do get v angry when he calls me names. Then make it very clear to your relatives without being rude that you have work to do when they are dropping in so if you remain confined to your room, they should not hold it against you. The cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional". You can sort out your feelings by talking. These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously. 17/02/2020. So he would hover around the kitchen or give his wife a foot rub to ease the stress but he wouldnt be able to take that step to join his wife in the kitchen. The same with a husband. Remember, its his family. Why would my husband choose his family over me? This is a reality many married women face in India. He needs to take care of you and not be so focused on his parents that he forgets about you. Especially when children come along. My husband chooses his family over me. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. He says I am the youngest among them so he willlisten to them not me. In that case, you have to understand his true feelings or maybe encourage him to break the patriarchal norms of the family. If he doesnt realize this, or he doesnt want anything to change, then thats a sign that he probably still has a lot of growing up to do. My prayer was invalid, but time ran out before I could redo it. So what happens when, whether in times of conflict or otherwise, your husband chooses his family over you? You two are a united team in a world that can be incredibly difficult and hostile to negotiate. It may seem like he loves them more than he loves you. Can I divorce? His father too follow hanafi teaching. Unlike when in the UK or US where mothers often stop to have a drink after work before heading home, you would always see an Indian mom rushing home from work to help her child with homework or toss up delicacies for them. In those situations, its always difficult to take sides when some major or minor conflicts happen. But not choose her publicly. 1. Some families are close. And as well all know, Indian mothers do not let go of their sons even after marriage. Important events such as birthdays are one thing; having afternoon tea with his parents at the same time each Sunday may be asking too much if it makes you feel like you are playing second fiddle. He and I have no privacy. So, what to do when your husband is too attached to his family? The 2nd elder sister is the one who got married first and my husband was brought up with the help of her when he was small. Sure, he may be very close with his blood family, but he chose you to be part of this family. Understand husband chooses his family because he doesnt know how not to. All rights reserved. I didn't do any wrong there was no any mistakes but then and there he tried to clarify that there wont be any issue "Let's live together and live a peaceful life.". We use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits. Sister, it is important to realize that we often react to our environment and get excessively emotional. But not all of us are ready and know how to compromise. 1. 1 Set your boundaries right at the inception. Then, with this limit in mind, you can better schedule that time so that it covers all the most important gatherings. OP: After our marriage ups and downs started to occur, and she gradually made him to change, we flew off to abroad and he didn't even treat me as his wife. Thats how he ends up spending more time with his family than with you. It is not that he loves his own family any less but he is unable to do the balancing act because of his mental conditioning. 1. He feels guilty for not spending enough time with his family. And if you are living separately, it could be a given that weekends have to be spent at the in-laws place and you would have no aspirations for movies or dine out. As a consequence of them maturing early, they usually learn how to be independent from an early age and get married sooner than men. This is alright as long as it is not a repeated thing. You shouldnt hold any grudges or ghost him he doesnt deserve that. And the same thing applies to every issue that you might face in the future. 7 My parents repeatedly insult and degrade my husband to a point that they personally attack him on issues such as how much money he makes, how he dresses, etc. Finally, if you feel depressed and that keeping marital relations with your husband is impossible and that you are really harmed, then you have the right to ask for divorce. We dont get to choose our family members, but we do get to choose our life partners. This is a common problem women face in collectivistic cultures and especially in the sub-continent. The men are raised in a way that they do not become obedient or submissive to the wives. IslamicAnswers.com Staff Photo Gallery. If you dont, then you could be alienating him from you. The purpose of doing this is that she wants my husband to earn and give the spendings to his family how he was doing before. At this point, when she is older and much more independent one would expect that he would give you more time and consideration. If your husband isnt willing to support you and stand up for you while youre being disrespected by his parents, siblings, or extended family members, then you need to ask yourself whether youre okay facing that kind of abuse forever. In that case, you will have to support him to stand by his family. Catherine Winter is a writer, art director, and herbalist based in Quebec's Outaouais region. Even more so when and if your husband sides with them rather than you, and expects you to go along with things to keep the peace. Sister, I am sorry that you are in such a difficult position. Hell just continue choosing his family over you. Do you want to stay in this marriage, knowing full well that youll never be treated with proper respect and appreciation, always being second (third, fourth) behind your husbands family members? Thats simply not true. Dont expect that you can avoid having any arguments and conflicts with your in-laws if youre living in the same house. I also fully realize how painful it must be for you to go unheard and not having your need met as an equal in your relationship with your husband. Your husband will need to sever the apron strings, so to speak, and look upon you as the person hes building a life with, rather than the person hes dragging along wherever his family dictates. Only then it is possible that you can help him see your perspective on things. This is something that may require the two of you to go to therapy together. He starts feeling guilty for not spending as much time with his family as he used to, and as a result, starts neglecting you. Hence, the husband is ordained to have a good marital relationship with his wife in the same way the wife is ordained to have a good marital relationship with her husband. Instead of resenting this, feel happy that your husband feels for his mother and wants to give her the best. It could be that your in-laws and his siblings are always included in your family travel plans. Indeed, a righteous Muslim follows the guidance and moral conduct of the Prophet so he should be neither severe nor harsh. He vowed to stand by your side for better or worse, and now hes reneging on that vow. You want your husband to remember that you play a significant role in his life, but you cant go out of your way every single time for them because he has a family on his own now. Though my description of my issue could be detailed and long I kindly ask apology for it and my humble request is that please read out my discussion and give sense about it. Im fearful of my husband having Hoor-Al-Ayn in Paradise. But, lets be honest, its a little unreasonable to expect that to keep happening now the two of you have partnered up. . It involves putting across your message in a clearer and confident way. Hes the one who has the power to start working on himself. Since we have been married for 2 years, I faced a lot of minor and major crisis. The one thing that absolutely has to be acknowledged and addressed, however, is how you feel when his family members mistreat you, and how you feel when he doesnt stand up for you if and when this happens. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Guess Who? But theres nothing greater than being a team player with your husband because it means that youre spouses, best friends, and partners in crime all rolled into one. So,try looking at things from your husbands perspective. The smart wife is the one who is keen for her husband to develop a strong relationship with his own family and for there to be friendship and love between them. Sit him down and make it very clear to him that this is absolutely not cool with you. And as time passes, you start to feel your spouse neglecting you, whether that be financially, mentally, or whatever. Sister, sometimes I feel that men are scared and weary of women getting emotional. Men, generally, promise to be there for their wives, to never leave them alone, to be their protector, and what not. She should not be an obstacle in the . His family members dont offer salah but He looks at how im offering salah i try improving it daily but he still criticizes me greatly. So, my husband chooses his family over me. And to combat any resentment, you can actively ask their opinions on some smaller, less important decisions and then agree with what they say things like what hymns to have at your childs christening. My partner and i have been living together for 3 years. Pray to Allah SWT for guidance, mercy and help. Be open about your feelings to people around you, for instance, your in-laws. One of the pillars of a healthy relationship is having good communication with your partner. When Team Bonobology puts a story together be sure to find strong research-based content. My husband was the same way he always chose his brother over me. Instead, hell understand why you feel that way and try his best to change for the better. You have answered a lot of your questions and gave reasonings. The fact that he chose someone else over you should not stop your life or should not make you feel bad about yourself. I lived with 4 cousins in one apartment and had to do household works in huge bulks. You cant force him to change. Eventually, you feel less worthy and as if you have to compete with them for his time. They have a largely happy married life, except for one aspect the sticky mother-in-law woes. That way there is no misunderstanding and festering. Then and there he has been flown to abroad (Japan) for 6 years yet he seems to be spending for his family until marriage. 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