Often peoples busy lives leave little time for closeness and sleeping together can be very good to promote feeling solidly together and supportive. Im not saying its come to that yet, but Im suggesting the LW force her bf to choose if he wont honor her wish to stay home once in a while. WebTherefore, his wife IS attending family functions on the weekends. i think the dysfunction wouldnt come from just the time spent, like the literal hours, i think the dysfunction would come from the things surrounding the time spent- the guilt, ect. I get that many dont, but I dont think thats dysfunctional. Hosting a BBQ is a great idea. Tell him that while you love his parents, you miss going into the city on weekends and having weekend time alone with him in the city too. how do we divide furniture? Theres nothing inherently wrong with wanting to spend a ton of time with your family. June 18, 2014, 12:41 pm. I 100% agree with Wendy that you should bring this up in a this is what I want/need way and not in a youre weird and you need to grow up way. In the end, you owe it to yourself to be cognizant of that. It would seem that if he had to choose, hed choose spending a weekend with you in the city over spending a weekend with his parents in the burbs. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. Therefore, it is necessary to find a common solution to satisfy you and your husband. Relationship time without your family is really important to me and I hope we can work in implementing a date day/night where it is just us.; your other option if he still doesnt agree to this or guilts you, is ending the relationship, because this is not going to change. muchachaenlaventana I agree with you both. Talk to your boyfriend, tell him what you told us. I would not enjoy feeling like I couldnt just be at home some weekends. Explore a new neighborhood or close-by town? Im also close to my family, however, I never make my boyfriend feel left out and I always make him feel that he is the priority. My boyfriend goes to his mom and dads every weekend doesnt think me or my children with him he used to text me all the time and call me he doesnt do that anymore weve been together 3 years and there any place he ever takes me is to the grocery store and back home and he doesnt even hardly touch or kiss or anything anymore I tell him I love him all the time hell tell me back but I feel that he just tells me because he doesnt want it to hurt me. Another weekend and the same situation again; its like youre living in Groundhog day. ele4phant Husband thinks spending Christmas Day just us then dividing the rest of the following week between families is a January 20, 2012, 11:08 am. January 20, 2012, 11:06 am. I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. I would focus on how you miss spending time just the two of you, exploring the city, going to your favorite restaurants, etc. If he came back home, he would insist that we spend the whole weekend out in the rural area hanging out with his parents. Schedule some girls' nights out. Really? Bagge72 So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? He needs a lot of family time, you need a lot of just-the-two-of-you time. I know when my husband and I finally started living together, we would see both our parents every weekend along with going to the laundry mat and grocery shopping. Not to say that this stuff goes away altogether, just that it can decrease in frequency, sometimes dramatically. Ooo, I might try that out this summer, that looks fun! Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. Dont people like to do things in their cities? So the next time he says Im going to my parents house, just answer Have fun. Its completely free, gets you out of the house, and we leave our phones in the car so no chance for parent interruption! Do you just go to your SO and say, Dear, before we do that we have to talk. She simply doesnt have to be at the parents place with her boyfriend that often. Its usually fine with me, but I think if you are the type to not be ok with this, youre better off finding someone more like you in this regard. Parents are supposed to prepare their kids for the real world, the best that they can. Theyre lovely people, but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. Ok fine, I actually beg DWers even to move in with me (Im looking at you, rachel!). If they are going to see his parents then I think he should pick up the tickets, especially since finances are tighter for her. I realize that some situations are delicate, and they may want help on what exactly to say, but this isnt really one of those. Even if they stay together and even if she manages to persuade her boyfriend to spend less time with his parents, the parents are going to resent the LW for it. He likely will turn into the bf, or if they marry the husband, who is the stay-at-home couch potato, while LW pines for outside the home activities. I agree that some more information about the timeline would be helpful. Youre lifestyles dont mesh and they probably never will. Although that is a great idea, unfortunately, those plans arent going to work for me as my boyfriend likes to tag along his parents whenever he goes on trips. We live down the street from my boyfriends parents and hes always at there house on his days off. 11. January 20, 2012, 8:52 pm. I married an apron-strings boy like that. All your weekend plans are ruined by default because your husband has to spend every weekend with his family. We dont know for sure whether or not bf goes to his parents as his first choice of weekend activities or if he is a bit wimpy in dealing with his parents and cant say no to the invitation couched in terms of well, you said you didnt have anything planned. Okay okay. I see people post or check in or what ever and I have no idea what it means. Maybe he doesnt understand this because YOU SPEND EVERY WEEKEND WITH HIS PARENTS. Have you explained that to him? Your problem is thinking you can change him. And after 4 months, youre likely just coming out of the Honeymoon Phase. You havent had sufficient time to learn these little things youre just starting to learn. As my Irish/Italian grandmother used to say Begin as you mean to go on., rangerchic Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. Either way, needs to be talked about, but not insurmountable. I am curious of yalls ages though. If they cant spend an entire weekend apart, its dysfunctional. That scenario is even more likely if your husband is apeople pleaserand doesnt know how to say no. ForeverYoung On the weekends he spends at June 18, 2014, 11:51 am. Its not explicitly in the letter, by I got the feeling that the weekend visits to bfs family preceded the moving in together, but that she still had some weekend time to herself. I also remind Bassanio of reality: that they visit so often because of the grandkids, the kids are the focus, not him, and his parents wont be crushed if they dont see him, and theyll be back next month anyway. Visiting families and spending time with siblings takes up much time in a marriage. LW, youre looking at this as if its something wrong that hes doing, something that he needs to stop. March 11, 2017, 11:48 am. And please, do not take that literally, I just couldnt come up with a better one. If it is that then work out a way so you can spend most nights together whether at yours or theirs. Long story short even though we saw each other almost every weekend for 4.5 straight years, not once did he agree to this. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. June 18, 2014, 9:23 am. Id never visit my parents alone while he was in town, but sometimes wed go there for coffee and a meal. Maybe if you stop going every single time hell decide to stay home with you every now and then. I agree something seems off here, because they have lived together ALMOST THREE weeks, and go to his parents house NEARLY every weekend, but only since they have lived together. It is starting to really upset me he wants me to move the 30 min ride closer to his family for what ? In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. You cant expect your husband to not want to see his family, and you shouldnt. For that matter, so do many of the ideas posted here in response. January 20, 2012, 9:53 am. Just because I didnt want to start over again. Im curious to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with the LW. So make it clear to them in advance that they cannot come unannounced, that you cannot go to their place every weekend, and if you want to celebrate a holiday yourself, that is your business. Yes, this. I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later. As with many LWs, your issues could be fixed if you just COMMUNICATE. Oh yeah I forgot to leave out I never see my family at all he spends every holiday with his parents while I sit at home with my children, Skyblossom DO NOT just wait every weekend with huffy baited breath to see what he will choose, voice what you want. Theres no need for anyone to take offense if others would have an opinion that something that pertains to you is abnormal. Anyway, LW, I think that first of all, youre a little premature in worrying about this to the point of writing to DWjust talk to your bf about it. Starting over! LW you seem a lot more independant than you BF, and I feel like this is just the begining of you feeling like this, so if you havent yet just have a plan to move out if things arent working out. I mean they obviously leave and get their nights together so its not like they are having sleepovers etc. Maybe he feels that since he sees the gf all week now, he should spend weekends with his family. lets_be_honest I cant imagine that life! Its not all men, its your man and the LWs. lets_be_honest But she doesnt seem to mind it. Look at the situation from everyones position. I imagine the problem would be solved pretty easily. I do think its a valid point to want more alone time with your significant other regardless of how hes spending the rest of their time, but I also dont see it as a dysfunctional family dynamic. Lindsay Communication is always the basis of solving any problem. He loves to spend time with his family, and that is not a bad thing. If he wants to visit his parents for dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him. From unexpected work obligations on the weekend to sudden business travel demands, one partners professional goals and ambitions can impose stress on a His parents tell him they gave him everything, and he neglected them when he married. You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. WebYou are a good person for trying to bond with your husbands family. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. Shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship. also, go on Pinterest and put in cheap date ideas. I could sort of see this also playing into the bf still seeing his parents as his nuclear family, thus the #1 priority for his free time. Its not weird to them. Why does she feel obligated to visit his parents so often? Come on, BGM! If he lived in town permanently and this was happening every night, I think its a different story but we are talking sporadic weekends over a 2 season period. It always strikes me as odd when people write letters before even trying to work it out on their own. I was thinking the same thing. You really do have to take strong measures to get through to them. You arent happy and yet you stay. Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? Of course that was hard to maintain, so we had to work out what worked for us. It took both of us a while to cut that back to what it is now, first it moved to one set of parents each weekend so wed alternate, and then down to every couple weeks. He knows this because its important to me so I talk about it. Easily worked out and if not, then you probably have bigger issues than the garbage. Then offer a compromise. January 4, 2021, 3:09 am. One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. Some families really are just that close. but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. All the posters are still on the walls as if time has stopped. SpaceySteph Do you guys never visit/spend time with them? January 20, 2012, 7:40 pm. But, in a very close and codependent family dynamic this doesnt get to really happen much. Although it is not mature, your husband chooses to run away from your problems in marriage to be with his family. Theres also always a cold beer in the freeze. This has been going on for 4 years and its not going to change on its own. June 18, 2014, 12:47 pm. Like I said in my comment above, I was determined to pay 50% of everything when I moved in with my now husband, but it just wasnt feasible, so we had to work out what worked for us, and I think it wouldve been better and saved me a lot of worry if we had done so beforehand. If he wants to spend time with their family, perhaps you can go with him when he visits. You two have moved pretty fast (relatively speaking), and you two CAN actually spend time (read: weekends) apart. However, its also a convenient excuse for She kept trying to change it and regularly fights with him about it. You can be with his family every weekend and every holiday, but he can never be with yours. That this stuff goes away altogether, just that it can decrease frequency. To say that this stuff goes away altogether, just answer have fun actually spend (! Go there for coffee and a meal worked for us ooo, I actually DWers. Thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks it.. 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